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Kerista Article - Nine P's
The Nine P’s of Great Cunnilingus
By Suzi Bite
Copyright 1991 Utopia Publications
There is a natural tendency for people to assume that whatever their own
attitudes are, others must feel the same way. You socialize with people with
whom you share values and beliefs, and thus you project that the rest of the
world is a mirror of your own little circle. Although I realize that this is faulty logic,
I too have to remind myself from time to time that no, other places are not like
San Francisco, and no, other social scenes are not like the one you (sic) find
yourself in.
The one that I find myself in is filled with people who love to talk about sex. Next
to sex itself, talking about sex is one of the most fun activities I can think of.
However, a lot of people in the world - the vast majority, I imagine – are in the
school that sex is a dirty little thing that belongs in the bedroom and is best left
undiscussed. Even relatively hip folks, who intellectually realize that there is
nothing negative about the subject, may feel awkward or uncomfortable about
discussing it. It’s not very hard to understand why. Almost all of us have been
raised inside of a culture and households in which the subject was verbally
taboo. It’s kind of a double-whammy: first of all, you don’t talk about sex because
it’s a nasty subject connected to morally reprehensible activity, and second of all,
you don’t talk about sex because talking about it supposedly ruins it. It makes it
too common, too indelicate, too apparent … the mystery, after all, is what makes
it so good.
Why Talk About It?
To me the second argument is as phony as the first. No matter what you do, you
are still going to be left with the fact that the pleasures associated with sexual
intimacy cannot be fully explained and will continue to intrigue us, long after the
scientific studies have made all the measurements and observations that they
can. Not only does talking about sex release us from the outdated prohibitions, it
actually enhances the experience itself. This is also easy to understand. When
you hear people talk about sex, you learn a lot. Most of us probably got our first
information about the birds and the bees on the playground, out of the mouths of
other kids, rather than from parents or teachers, and I’m sure that we hung on
every word we heard. Conversations about sex among adults can be far more
enlightening, thanks to a much more solid grounding in the facts of the matter.
They provide a means of discovering the things that can make it work for you –
make it possible to come, for instance, or help your partner(s) to do so too. Aside
from finding out more about the mechanics of sex, talking about it can help you
re-shape your attitudes about it, allowing you to relate to people more righteously
and to feel better about yourself. Besides all of this, talking about sex is a great
source of humor, and it is now clinically established that laughter is good
medicine.
To Come or Not to Come
What I want to talk about today is cunnilingus. Oral sex, where the genitals on
the receiving end are those of a female, and the body part on the doing end is a
mouth. The mouth could belong to a person of either sex, depending on your
preference; either way, it’s still cunnilingus. Some people are good at it and some
aren’t, but I really believe it is a skill that can be learned.
What I mean by a person being good at it is, she/he does it in such a way that
her/his partner can have an orgasm as the end result. Now, I have run into a lot
of people over the years who do not think that coming is the point of sex, and
should not be emphasized. This is debatable. I agree that there are other
purposes for doing it: general sensual gratification and drawing closer to the
person you are doing it with, for example. Still, to use these as a basis to negate
the significance of the orgasm is silly. My evaluation of human nature is that
everybody wants to come. Coming is fantastic. It’s just amazing how a few short
moments of uncontrollable, spasmodic muscle action can feel so good. Sex
without coming can be wonderful and intense, but why not come if you can?
What these people object to, I think, is the type of sexual interaction in which the
relationship between the people is depersonalized, and one or both parties are
more concerned with their own orgasm than in having a holistically sensitive,
mutually satisfying experience. If you could study all the sexual interludes that
have ever taken place throughout human history, I’m sure you’d find that an
awful lot of them have been in that desensitized category. And most still are, but
that’s besides the point. The point is, why allow the jerky behavior of some
insensitive clods to interfere with your own feelings about coming?
The Varieties of Sexual Dysfunction
The second, and I think bigger, reason why some people object to viewing
orgasms as important is because of sexual dysfunction. You can tell that sexual
dysfunction is a really big deal because of its spelling. Why else would the “dys”
have a “y” in it instead of an “i” in it? Seriously though, sexual dysfunction can
really freak a person out if she/he is not prepared with the right mental attitudes.
Men deal with the number of types of sexual dysfunction: primary impotence
(inability to get it up), secondary impotence (it gets up but doesn’t stay hard),
premature ejaculation (coming very quickly), retarded ejaculation (it takes a really
long time to come – my favorite kind of sexual dysfunction) and the inability to
come (the erection doesn’t go away, but an hour or two later the guy still can’t
climax, so he just decides to stop). The last kind doesn’t have a formal name that
I’ve ever run across; I’ll have to think of one. For women it’s not so complicated,
sexual dysfunction just means you can’t come, although actually that could be
further broken down between those who don’t get aroused and can’t come and
those who do but still can’t come.
Many women who can’t come feel like it’s their fault when actually, whenever
they fuck, their boyfriends have premature ejaculation, or simply don’t know how
to do it the way they like it. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t come,
besides the ones just mentioned for women, including being too tired, or
preoccupied with something. A certain amount of sexual dysfunction, male or
female, however, isn’t explainable; it just occurs. When it does, you have to have
the good sense to keep it in perspective and not allow it to worry you. Some
people, though, go the other way: instead of becoming depressed and upset
about it, or keeping it in a rational perspective, they insist that it doesn’t matter
anyway, so there. I even knew a woman once who had never come, and claimed
that orgasms were a myth invented by men to make women feel bad. It’s really
something, what the mind can concoct when properly motivated.
When someone insists the coming really doesn’t matter at all, it’s a symptom of
being inordinately preoccupied with sex and coming, the same way a person who
is virulently alienated from her/his parents really has them in her/his head in a big
way. If you can’t come for whatever reason, it’s no reason to lose self-esteem
and sleep, but don’t make the mistake of turning into an anhedonic person, a
sourpuss who begrudges others their fun. The right approach is to do what you
can to learn what works best for you, and cultivate sexual relationships with
people who are sensitive to your particular needs and desires.
It’s Easier When You Do It Right.
This brings us back to cunnilingus, which some women find to be a better
orgasm-inducer than intercourse. There is a big range in what different women
find effective. The sorry truth of the matter is, though, that no matter easy a
comer a woman is, coming is a much bigger schtick to accomplish for women
than for men. Every now and then you’ll find a guy who has a hard time coming
and has to have everything done just “so” for it to happen, but most boys can pop
it off inside of minutes any time they want to, whereas I have only known a very
few females who could claim that. For most of us, it’s a question of trial and error,
until we found out exactly the right balance of factors that does the trick, and get
our partners to learn the score. From my talks with many women, it seems that
for some, you could say of them, as The Cars do in their song, “She says that it’s
easy/When you do it right,” although for most it remains a constant challenge.
Even though I do come almost every time I fuck, I almost perpetually worry that it
won’t work while I’m doing it. (In spite of this I manage to enjoy myself).
Cunnilingus is a very exacting science or art, depending on how you want to see
it. If anything, it’s even more precise than intercourse with respects to the “do it
right” concept. Not to say that any time you have a lover going down on you, you
should necessarily be looking to come by it. Cunnilingus before, between and/or
after fucking, where the orgasm happens during the fuck, is also a wonderful
thing. After a large number of hours spent contemplating the subject, I have
boiled it down to the essential variables that make up the mix. Each one has to
be done right - which of course may be totally the opposite way from woman to
woman - in order to elicit the desired outcome. I call these points “The Nine P’s of
Cunnilingus.”
The Nine “P’s”
OK, let’s get down to it.
1. Perseverance. The truth is, getting a girl (All of the words ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ in
this article are meant to refer to adults over 18, not minors) to come this way
can take a long, long time. We’re talking anything from a few minutes (in rare
cases) to an hour. A lot of jaws cannot sustain for this length of time, and you
really can’t blame the poor sucker for wanting to stop short of such a stint (or
for thinking of Richard Pryor’s line “Yo pussy dead, honey!”). On the other
hand, you really appreciate those who can. The ability to shield teeth with lips
becomes a prized skill.
2. Patience. This has more to do with attitude than mere perseverance through
time, although they’re closely related. Without a relaxed, patient attitude about
the pastime, the person doing the licking is not likely to keep at it for a long
run. Patience should be seen as applying not only to a given session of
cunnilingus, but to the shared experience on cunnilingus in the context of an
ongoing relationship. In other words, it might take months or even years for a
partner to perfect her/his cunnilinguism and develop those techniques to the
point of being able to get a woman to come on a regular basis. I’ve even had
the experience of it taking as long as ten years. If the cunnilinguist loses
patience after some time has gone by and concludes that it’s impossible, who
knows, the breakthrough could’ve only been days away!
3. Precision. This speaks for itself, pretty much. The tongue has to be able to
concentrate its efforts on just the right spots, and there is certain amount of
delicacy involved. Going all over the place at random may be fun and feel
generally good to both people, but it usually doesn’t work.
4. Pressure. I don’t think a lot of people realize what an important thing pressure
is in female orgasms of all varieties. Providing a lot of pressure with one’s
head and tongue is another sexual feat worthy of silent appreciation by the
recipients thereof. Light flicks of the tongue may not make it. Too much of a
grind might not either, but it’s gotta be there.
5. Position. Some like it on their backs, some from behind, legs apart, legs
together, up, down, etc. Some women can come from being eaten out in
numerous positions, exotic or otherwise; for most of us there is one easiest
(or only) way to go.
6. Penetration. This has to do with fingers. The woman willprobably have a
preference for having or not having a finger or two (or more) up her cunt while
being blown. Most whom I’ve discussed it with do prefer one or more in there,
as against none. Then there is the question of how far up, if they should be
bent and pressing the G-spot and whether they should be still or moving, and
if moving in and out, how fast, which carries us over to,
7. Pace. Pace refers to how fast the hand should be moving if it’s in there, as
well as how fast the tongue should be laying down it’s lashes, and any other
incidental rhythmic action the team may get going. The pace may even have
to be vary through the course of the interlude, from fast to medium to slow.
8. Persistence. This isn’t really quite the right word, but it’s as close as I’ve been
able to come in the “P” family. What I mean is steadiness of pace, in fact
steadiness and consistency of all the above-listed factors; keeping them
going without flagging or abrupt changes. One of the worst things to do during
sex of all types, especially sex once it gets going nicely, is for the guy
(speaking for hetero women) to pull a sudden switch – speed up, slow down,
remove fingers, whatever. Just when the rhythm is starting to kick in and rev
up the right motors, and you’re getting the idea that you are in fact very
possibly going to come this time, or even later, once it is all humming and you
are thinking, yes, you really are going to come soon, a change like that can
set you all back to zero, start from scratch. Frustration city. These things can’t
all be intuitively interpreted by your partner, though. A certain amount of
nonverbal communication will succeed, but some things are best expressed
with words. You may not feel like giving your partner a lecture on what to do
right in the midst of sex (I do believe in there being the right timing for such
dialogues) but sooner or later you ought to let her/him know what’s what if
she/he doesn’t pick right up on it. Probably sooner rather than later.
9. Playfulness. This kind of thing goes without saying and isn’t just a point that
applies to cunnilingus. It could be said about most things you do with people,
but it definitely has to be there during oral sex. There’s something innately
amusing about having a guy down there messing around with my pussy with
his mouth. I’m not sure why it’s funny. Maybe because it has always seemed
so unlikely to me that anyone would want to do that, let alone do it with gusto.
I mean, the smell, the wetness, the whole deal. Vaginas are messy things, but
most men I know don’t seem to mind, so why complain? In fact, most of them
don’t even have an aversion to what I call “vampire sex”, which is cunnilingus
while you have your period. These men are motivated. I don’t know where
they get it from. Hallelujah for guys like this. They’re a big part of what makes
life worth living.
The thing about sex is, even people who don’t talk about it think about it., and I
think you think about it less productively when it’s not a candid, relaxed issue
than when it is. When it’s an issue filled with fear, negative intrigue, insecurity, or
just plain embarrassment, it can be much more pre-occupying, even at levels that
are not immediately apparent upon conscious introspection. What’s going on
here, however, is not really talking about sex. This is me writing about sex, and
you reading about sex. Can you actually talk about it? Like about what’s in this
article, and what you think about it personally? If you can’t, it’s a good thing for
you to learn about yourself. If you can, but not to your sexual partner(s), that’s
another interesting thing for you to be aware of in your life. If you could and
would like to, but don’t have anyone you’re that informal with, it’s high time you
looked for some of those people. You’re missing out on something great.
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